Title: The Password and the Porn
Fandom: BtVS
Character/Pairing: Xander/Angel pre-slash
Genre: Comedy, Fluff, Mild Angst
Rating: PG-13
Warnings (highlight to see): ** descriptions of f/f porn**
Disclaimer
Summary: Xander and Angel find the lesbian pornography Willow kept on her laptop. Set between Chapter 7 and 8 of Beginnings.
Word Count: 1,156 words
X-Posted:

btvsats_love , buffy_fanfic , mmmmm_angel , all_fics_btvs , _xangel , xander_slash .

Beta: The lovely snowpuppies . Thanks so very much, hon!

 

A/N: This is set between Chapter 7 and 8 of Beginnings, a series by snowpuppies. I have her permission to write this, so I’m not playing around with her stuff without asking. If you haven’t already, you should read the series before this. For one thing, it’s really really good, and for another, this won’t make much sense without context. The chapter index is here.


 

The Password and the Porn

(Beginnings Outtake)

“Oh, more! That feels so good! Don’t stop, baby! Harder!”

Angel fidgeted uncomfortably under the laptop, causing it to tilt precariously and almost fall off his right thigh.

“Hey!” Xander protested, grabbing the computer to steady it. He then turned to Angel and wagged a finger at him. “That could have ended dangerously. You should be more careful with valuable information such as this.”

He carefully turned the screen to face him, seemingly intent on the way the butch plumber was licking the adulterous housewife.

Angel looked at him dubiously. “Xander, we’re looking at lesbian pornography on your best frie—” Xander’s calculatedly-blank expression at the mention of Willow made Angel stop immediately. “I’m sorry, Xander, I really didn’t mean to—”

Xander gave him a weary smile. “I kind of think you did mean it, actually. It’s an accurate statement, and…Willow’s not going to stop being dea—she’s not going to come back if you…” He sighed a little, and raked a hand through his hair. “…stop talking about her,” he finished.

Something in Xander’s face changed, and he seemed to decide not to think about it.

They both did that a lot these days.

Angel stared numbly at the laptop, where the tough-looking one had the other against a wall. “So is it really okay with you if I talk about her?”

Xander shot him a slightly pained glance, and then ignored his question. “Look, give me the computer. I don’t want your stupid twitchy leg movements disturbing my looking and viewing and listening pleasure.”

Xander waggled his eyebrows and, not waiting for an invitation, took the computer back to set it on his own lap. He watched as Housewife Helen flipped Pam Plumber (as he had decided to call the stars of Willow’s favorite series) over onto the floor, panting.

“Xander, this is a little weird. Willow had a girlfriend when she put this stuff on her computer, right? That feels weird.”

Xander turned from his already transfixed and slightly glazed gaze at the screen to raise an eyebrow at Angel. “And you didn’t put very-sexy fantasy-role-play porn on your hard drive when you had a girlfriend? Just cause she was a lesbian doesn’t mean she didn’t watch porn. She just had a security thing to make sure your average Jane Slayer or Watcher Giles couldn’t find it.”

Xander shuddered dramatically.

“Man, can you imagine Giles watching this? I’d have to swing my patch over to the other eye to protect it from the flying glass shards of his over-polished glasses.” Xander rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Not that an eye patch would really be terrific protection against a piece of glass.”
 

“I’m fairly sure I’ve never had a hard drive to put things on.” Angel frowned, looking absently at the image before him of writhing, sweating bodies.
 

“I didn’t mean she wouldn’t have this stuff because she was a lesbian. It’s just—she was, you know, Willow. I can’t really picture her…”
 

“Being interested in sex? Trust me, if you’d ever seen Willow and Tara together, you would have done more than picture it.”
 

“…you had sex with them?”
 

“What? No! That was the way of mine to say—a way of me saying—my way of saying…” Xander moved his hands aimlessly through the air, clearly flustered. “It was the way I said that I thought it was hot, and, um, you know…thought about it, sometimes. By myself. They were never there, unfortunately. For the thinking. That I did.”
 

Angel gave him a confused look.
 

“By myself,” Xander added again, helplessly.
 

Angel suddenly seemed to understand Xander’s meaning, his mouth widening in shock.
 

“That’s…way more information than I needed.” All this Willow sex talk was getting a little disturbing.
 

So was the placement of the tool belt on the screen, actually. That was definitely not what wrenches was made for.
 

“Hey, far from the grossness, here. I remember this one dream I had, where Giles spoke French, and I was in an ice cream truck and the First Slayer tried to kill me, and Willow and Tara were wearing these great outfits and—”
 

“Slayer? Buffy-type Slayer? Uh, trying to kill you?”
 

“Yup.”
 

“Since when do Slayers try to kill humans?”
 

Xander shrugged. “Since there have been way more than one or two. Well, this incident was before that particular spell, actually…”
 

“I’m sorry. That was stupid of me.”
 

“Oh, no! Totally not stupid. You never heard about this one, I guess. I meant the First Slayer. As in the one they made first…which kind of involves icky demon rape by creepy African Watcher-type dudes. She was big on the dreads and the ripping out of my heart very painfully in a dream. The dream that I was telling you about before you got all interrupt-y.”
 

“Oh.”
 

“Yeah.”
 

The only sound that could be heard was the squelching and heavy breathing of the video.
 

Angel furrowed his brow in thought. “How did you find this if she had a security thing? I…remember that she was really good at that kind of stuff. Once, when Wesley’s computer went down, we called Sunnydale—because the tech support guy clearly did not speak English or any of the other languages Wesley knew, and he knew a lot of languages—and then right away Willow fixed what was wrong.”
 

“I kind of…made her tell me the password before this one apocalypse. I thought we were all going to die, like, actually die that time, and I’d always wondered—and then she said that of course she didn’t have any, but she had this blush-and-babble thing going on, so I knew she did—so I told her it would be a bonding experience to watch it together. Before we died. It’s important to bond before death.”
 

Angel blinked. “I guess so?”
 

“And I kind of blackmailed her with saying I’d tell Kennedy about it, and she’s…was the really jealous type, and even if she hadn’t been, I knew Willow felt all guilty about it, because she’s the kind of person who has porn on her computer but still feels all bad about it, so…”
 

“What’s the password?”
 

Xander smiled a little. “Oh, I can’t tell you that. Then you’d be watching it without me!”
 

Angel laughed. “Like I could even figure out where to put the password.”

Xander gazed at Housewife Helen’s surprisingly supple butt. “I always sort of wondered why she didn’t set a new password, after we didn’t die. You’d think she’d be a little more careful with that stuff.”
 

Xander’s face softened. “Guess she didn’t think I’d be getting my mitts on her computer ever again.”
 

“Probably thought you wouldn’t remember it.”
 

Xander grinned. “Oh, believe me, I wrote it down very carefully.”
 

Xander settled back into the couch and turned to face the screen again.
 

“Right there, that’s it! Keep going! Faster, baby!”

Angel squirmed around on the cushion.


 

This was definitely weird.




END